


Remember Me

by Lilywoood



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memory Loss, Multi, Mutual Pining, Temporary Amnesia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-19 02:35:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22103785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilywoood/pseuds/Lilywoood
Summary: He could feel the shards stuck in his left knee, could feel the water wetting his shirt, could feel the swelling in his head, he could feel himself shiver, he knew he was cold, everything was cold, he wanted to feel warm again, why wasn’t he warm, why did everything hurt.
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Henrietta "Hen" Wilson/Karen Wilson, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 7
Kudos: 136





	1. Chapter 1

Things had gradually changed since the lawsuit and his reinstatement on the 118, he knew he had to win back their trust, knew that it’ll probably takes time for them to open up to him again, he understood of course he did, he knew that what he did was the worst mistake of his life, but they weren’t saints either….

He needed them to understand that he didn’t go through with to purposely hurt them, he’d just fought for what was right, just fought for them, just fought to get them back and even if he knew he did it the wrong way he had hoped that they could see thing from his side, could try to understand his point of view.

* * *

It’s been two months and even though things started to calm down a bit, even though he felt like his team was slowly warming up to him, something felt different, something was off, somehow he didn’t felt like he belonged there anymore.

He felt alienated even more with Eddie, sure he told him that everything was forgiven, sure they started to hang out again, but something was amiss, they were arguing more about petty little things, Eddie was still cautious around him long was gone the mutual trust.

* * *

They were having dinner at Eddie’s place when another of their petty argument started, this time it was because Chris had asked Buck for a bedtime story but before the blond could answer Eddie had told his son to go to bed and he’ll join him for the story.

 **-I could have done it you know,** Buck told him while washing the dishes.

- **It’s fine,** Eddie waved drying the plates, **you know how it is one story would have become two and then three and he’ll never sleep** , Eddie added plainly.

 **-I wouldn’t have mind** , Buck mumbled

 **-I would have,** Eddie stated drying the last plate, **Chris you’re in bed,** he called ignoring Buck hurt expression.

Buck heart broke instantly, realization hitting him, Eddie never and would never forgive him, Eddie didn’t trust him anymore, Eddie didn’t need him anymore.

He waited five minutes until he could hear Eddie’s story telling voice to leave quietly the Diaz household.

* * *

It’s heavy, so heavy, so painful and suffocating he doesn’t know how to deal with this, doesn’t know how to accept the fact that he ruined it, he ruined them by going through the lawsuit, by revealing their deepest secrets, by talking about them.

* * *

He was like a ghost wondering through the busy streets of Los Angeles, he felt like a stranger, like his place wasn’t there anymore.

He didn’t know where to go to, or who to go to, he couldn’t bother Maddie with his turmoil again, couldn’t involve her in it she had enough on her plate, he would have gone to Bobby but things were still awkward between them, their relationship needed a lot of work before Buck could start to trust and open up to his model again…

* * *

He sighed dejectedly he really needed to talk to someone, really needed to hear a comforting voice, he grabbed his phone from the passenger seat and dialed Maddie’s number…

- **Hey Evan I was going to call you,** she answered cheerfully causing him to chuckle a little, **what you doing** , she asked

- **I** …he started ready to lie, **I…I was at Eddie’s and it didn’t go really well** , he admitted sadly, I **was wondering if I could crash at yours,** he croaked feeling like crying.

- **Yes of course,** she softly responded, **where are you now,** she quizzed, **what happened,** she stated when he didn’t answer her first question

- **He doesn’t trust me** , Buck teared **, I ruined everything Mads** , he suffocated his vision clouded by his tears….

He was crying by now, his eyes blinded by the tears, to make things more cliché rain started to flood making it hard for him to see anything, the noises of the drops on his cars was muffling Maddie’s voice, muffling the other cars…

Maddie was trying to think of a way to comfort her brother when she heard it, a loud crash followed by the screeching noise of brakes, she heard the glass shatters, the honks, and then the broken sound of _You are my sunshine_ playing in the distance, she heard everything except her brother’s voice…

* * *

He could hear people around him, could feel a warm and big hand squeezing his and a petite one rubbing his arm.

He could feel the shards stuck in his left knee, could feel the water wetting his shirt, could feel the swelling in his head, he could feel himself shiver, he knew he was cold, everything was cold, he wanted to feel warm again, why wasn’t he warm, why did everything hurt.

He felt himself being moved, could hear voices screaming order at one another, he heard the ambulance, he felt warm and dizzy, he didn’t feel the pain anymore, the shards were gone, his head didn’t feel heavy anymore; he felt himself drift, sleep overtaking him…

* * *

The lights were blinding him, it was the first thing he noticed after opening his eyes, the second was the handsome guy snoring in the seat beside him, the third and last thing he noticed was the loud beeping sound of the machines he was hooked on.

- **Hey you’re awake,** he heard Maddie murmure, **do you remember what happened** , she smiled stroking his cheeks

Buck shook his head no and winced at the movement.

- **I’m going to find a doctor,** Maddie smiled, **you mind staying with him** , she asked looking over Buck.

- **No not at all,** Eddie answered taking her place, **how are you feeling,** he croaked squeezing Buck’s hand.

- **Sore** , Buck stated, **excuse me are you a friend of Maddie,** he demanded confused

- **No I’m…it’s me Eddie** , he stuttered in shock

- **I’m sorry,** Buck smiled, **Am I supposed to know you,** he frowned.


	2. Chapter 2

He never imagined that one day he’ll be forgotten, that one day he’ll be erased, snapped from someone’s memory, from his best friend, his soulmate memory, never imagined that one day he’ll be a stranger face in familiar eyes, never dared to imagine that one day he’ll see his entire world crumble under his feet.

- **Is it some kind of sick jock** , Eddie asked Buck talking a step back, **Evan it’s…you know who I am,** he croaked pointing to himself, **I’m your boy…best friend,** he stumbled.

- **I have a best friend,** Buck frowned, **I…I’m sorry, I don’t…I don’t remember yo** u, he added distressed passing his hands through his hair pulling it , **why can’t I remember you,** he demanded trembling and hitting his head, **why can’t I remember** , he repeated hitting himself harder and harder.

- **Evan** , Eddie called taking his fist in his hands, **it’s** , he swallowed, **don’t worry you’ll remember maybe its the shock,** he smiled trying to convince both of them.

* * *

Eddie never believed that he’ll be hurt more than when Shannon left, never though he’ll experience more heartache than that day when he came home and she wasn’t here, the day she took everything and disappeared without even saying goodbye.

He always believed that death was the most painful thing you could experience, not being able to see the person you love, not being able to hear their voice anymore, to just enjoy their presence, he always believed that death was awful, he was wrong being forgotten is worst than anything.

Being a stranger to someone you love, not being able to be there for them, not being able to enjoy them was crueler, because with death you had to accept that the person couldn’t be there anymore, you had to mourn and move on at some point, with memory loss you had to helplessly witness yourself being removed from the person you loved the most memory, you had to accept that you were nothing and no one, you had to choose to either fight and win them back, or give up and disappear definitely.

He couldn’t stay in the room any longer, he felt himself choke with unshed tears, felt himself slipping, he couldn’t impose his distress to Buck, couldn’t make him go through another crisis, he waited until the blond closed his eyes to leave the room.

He let himself fall into the nearest seat and finally broke down, the tears flowing over and over, never stoping, he felt his heart clenching, his lungs burning…

- **Eddie** , he heard Maddie call, **everything is alright,** she asked sitting next to him.

He raised his head to look at her, she never looked so tired, dark circle around her eyes and her hair was messy and in low ponytail, he chuckled drily here he was having a break down being comforted by the person who needed support the most.

 **-The doctor is with Evan** , she started smiling softly, **want to tell me what happened** , she quizzed squeezing his hand.

- **He forgot me,** Eddie breathed quietly feeling the tears threaten to come back.

- **Eddie** , Maddie croaked holding him, **I…I’m sorry,** she pursued, **the doctor told me he might experience some partial memory loss because of the swell but,** she trailed.

- **Don’t** , he smiled tearful, **I.**..he started drying his cheeks with the back of his hands, **I kinda deserve it anyway,** he shrugged

 **-Eddie you’re not responsible of Evan’s accident,** she frowned, **a drunk driver didn’t stop at the red light,** she pursued, **a drunk driver hurt my brother and ran away,** she wobbled, **it’s not your fault,** she suffocated, **it’s not our fault** , she cried letting herself be held by Eddie, **if anyone is at fault it’s the asshole who let my brother almost dying alone in the rain,** she sniffed.

 **-So what now** , Eddie tried, **are they keeping him,** he demanded.

- **Well he spent two weeks in coma** , she spoked, **the doctor said that he needs to keep him until the end of the week and then I don’t know,** she sighed, **he can’t go home alone so I’ll have to postpone our moving with Chim** , she smiled.

- **He can stay with Chris and I, he stated, and before you say no Carla will be there too,** he added, **let me at least be there for you…both of you,** he pleaded head hung low.

- **I…Eddie you don’t have to do this,** Maddie frowned, **I’m his sister** , she added.

- **I get that you don’t trust me with him** , Eddie interrupted, **but please Maddie let me do this,** he sobbed.

- **I’ll tell the doctor** , she conceited patting his shoulder, **but be warned that I’ll come everyday to check on him and call regularly** , she tried to joke

- **Please do,** Eddie chuckled tiredly.

* * *

Five minutes later Doctor Simons and his team left Buck’s room to meet Maddie and Eddie outside, he told them that even if Buck had been lucky to survive some sequels would be irreversible.

 **-Do you think the memory loss is one of those sequels** , Maddie demanded reading Eddie’s mind.

 **-I don’t know Miss Buckley,** the doctor admitted massaging his temple, **we think that half of the loss is psychological** , he explained, **his brain probably tried to shade him from the trauma of the accident,** he **added, I talked with a colleague she’s a therapist specialized in trauma and memory loss she will meet with your brother tomorrow and we will know then,** he counted.

- **When can we take Evan home** , Maddie demanded again, nervously replacing a strand of her hair behind her ear.

- **If all goes well with my colleagues and if the test results come back ok tomorrow, he can be discharged Sunday,** with that he shook both their hand and left.

A painful silence seemed to settle between them, worry and dread floating around them, a lot of questions had been raised by Doctor Simons and Eddie couldn’t help but wonder if Buck’s brain hadn’t tried to protect him from the pain Eddie had put him through after the lawsuit


	3. Chapter 3

He grew used to the accident nightmares after his second night out of coma sleep, the doctor had told him after all that his brain was slowly recovering and with that he was probably going to be subject of flashbacks nightmares, still the doctor omitted to tell him that the accident was nothing compared to the voice he’ll hear, the deceived taunting voice…

* * *

For two nights he’ll have the same dreams, first the accident, he’ll lay on the cold and wet street ground, rain would be falling on his face keeping him from surrendering to tiredness, he’ll remember how he crawled out the car, how the only thing he could hear was a broken and haunting version of _You’re my sunshine_ , how the glass shard of his phone screen made his left hand bleed, how he knew that he couldn’t call for help and would have to wait for someone to find him…

Then as in a movie the screen would fade, the scenery would change, he would still be laying in the ground, this time though he wasn’t bruised, he wasn’t physically hurt, it was another kind of suffering that was keeping him on the ground.

He would feel a head on his shoulder, a hand caressing his torso and slowly raise until it was laid on his heart, he would feel peace and quiet, feel loved, until the silhouette would start to talk, would tell him the most heartbreaking words he ever heard

- **I don’t need you Evan,** the voice would tell him softly, **I don’t trust you,** it whispered kissing his jaw, **Chris and I don’t need traitors in our lives** , the voice would say kissing him with cold lips.

That’s when he would wake up, after he would felt the cold caress of it lips against his, a kiss so cold it felt like death was giving it, he would feel his heart aches and tore itself in multiples pieces, he would beg the nurse to not sedate him again, beg them to let him be awake, beg them to not let him go back….

* * *

Buck dreaded sleeping, sleeping wasn’t peaceful for him, and he found himself long visiting hours, usually Maddie would stay with him until the nurse had to kick her out.

Sometimes she would come with the handsome guy who was supposed to be his best friend, most of the time though she would come alone, she would try to distract him without ever reveal anything about him or his past, she would told him that he had to unfold this part of his brain alone as she missed most of it too.

Today though Maddie wasn’t there, it was Sunday so maybe she was busy with her new boyfriend, she had called him to apologize and told him that he will still have visitors, he was waiting for them when he heard someone knock on his door.

- **Come in,** he sighed trying and failing miserably at rolling himself to open.

 **-Hey no Evan,** handsome man told him entering the room, **don’t** , he signaled.

- **Hi uhm,** Buck tried he really tried to remember the guys name cause he knew, of course he knew how hurtful it must be to be forgotten

- **Eddie** , he completed faking a smile, **how are you today,** he croaked taking a sit on the guest chair,

- **I’ve been better** , Buck shrugged moving his wheelchair until he was facing Eddie, **nurses didn’t have to sedate me to sleep so that’s a win I guess,** he chucked halfheartedly.

- **I’m sorry Evan,** Eddie started holding himself form taking his hand, **I…,** he bitted his lips looking down the floor.

- **Why do you keep on coming** , Buck asked him suddenly, **most of people’s would have given up you know,** he added, **it’s been what? Nearly a month and I still don’t know who you are,** he breathed frustratingly gripping his chair, **why don’t you give up already,** he nearly yelled

- **Because I care about you,** Eddie admitted softly, a sad smile painting his face, **you’re one of the most important person in my life and I would do anything, anything,** he insisted, **for you, even if you don’t remember me,** he fiercely revealed.

- **What if I don’t want you to** , Buck frowned, **what if having you there is too much for me,** he added gesturing between them both.

He was caugh of guard by that question, he hadn’t expected Buck to ask him that, he had prepared himself for question about why he kept on coming of courses and other things among those lines but not that, although he should have seen it coming as Buck wasn’t the kind of person to beat around the bush.

- **If you want me to leave then I’ll do it,** Eddie smiled tears falling down his eyes, **I would go through that door and never come back you’ll never hear of me it would be like I never existed** , he took a step toward him hesitantly,

- **You would really do it** , he coughed , **go I mean** , he added , if **I asked you will you really leave,** he demanded,

- **I’ll do it,** Eddie croaked forcing himself to smile despite the heartache that question gave him, **if that what you want I’ll do it** , he pursued raising up , he breathed deeply, **and clearly that what you want,** he nodded kissing his cheek softly ready to go through the door.

- **Stay** , Buck whispered, **please stay,** he suffocated, **I don’t know why,** he teared his body trembling with dolor **, it seems like…it seems like you’re the only one keeping me sane,** he chuckled through tears, **I beg you stay,** he demanded opening his arms for Eddie

He could feel Buck’s arms tightening around his body, could feel his tears wetting his shirt, could sense the utter pain and sorrow the other man felt, it was destroying him, and they were nothing he could do apart holding him.

And as he was holding him, comforting him, soothing him, Eddie couldn’t help but feel like the biggest hypocrite, the biggest fraud on earth, he wasn’t stupid and despite all his friends and family told him he knew that somehow he’d been responsible of Bucks current state…


	4. Chapter 4

He never though that three words could change his whole life, never though it could hold so much pressure, so much stakes, never though that it could suddenly crush and destroy the frail balance he was fighting so hard to maintain.

It was just three words, eleven letters, one sentence, just one little sentence whispered brokenly over the phone, still it had been enough for Eddie to feel as if the ground was collapsing under him, like his whole world was turned upside down.

 ** _“They found him”_** Maddie’s words were still playing over and over in his head, her voice soon started to sound like a distant litany echoing in his mind.

She didn’t have to tell him who she was talking about, the clarification was unnecessary, he’d guessed right away that she was taking about the bastard who let Buck half alive in the middle of the road, the bastard who didn’t stop to help, who didn’t worry about how the pouring rain was muffling Buck pleas for help.

He’d never forget that night, the flash and souvenir were engraved in his brain, haunting his dreams, twisting his stomach…

He remembered how the house had gone tauntingly quiet after he’d put Chris to sleep, remembered how it took him less than a minute to understand that the quiet came from the absence of Buck, how his harshness had drove the younger man away, how once more he’d crushed the blond hope for a reconciliation, how once again he’d let his ego ruin everything and how this time it almost costed him his soulmate.

He could still see himself fixing Buck’s empty chair, could still remember how he let his fingers trail over it, trying to summon the memory of happiest time between them both, he’d never forgot the loud banging at his door second after he got a glimpse of the last meal they got together before they were forcibly separated by the shady lawyer.

He remembered how the noise of his door being knocked so violently made him dread what he’ll found at the other side, never forget how his stomach was tied into a tight knot, how he felt like his knees almost gave up on him when he opened the door to be met with the distressed faces of his neighbor informing him that an incident took place three blocks down and that the young man who often visited him seemed to be gravely wounded.

He didn’t remember his neighbor offering to look after Chris, he just vaguely recalled her telling him that her husband was still with Buck, that he was waiting for 9-1-1 but they were afraid they would be too late, the last he remembered from that brief exchange was that he’d been running toward the accident place.

He was there every step of the way, he’d seen it all, the blood, the bruises, the way Buck was fighting to stay alive, those images were still taunting him, he remember the EMT sirens sound, remembered how it sent shivers down his spine.

He recalled how Buck wouldn’t let go of his hand even after the paramedics tried to separate them, he remember begging the younger man to stay awake, to stay with him.

 **-m’ tired** , he mumbled tiredly, fighting to keep his eyes open.

 **-I know** , Eddie croaked caressing his cheek, **but you know the drill Evan you have to stay awake okay.**

- **Don’t think I can,** he breathed, **don’t…don’t think I’m gonna make it** , he mused.

- **Shut up,** Eddie growled through his teeth, **just…just shut up and stay awake,** he sniffed.

* * *

He could never forgot how Maddie broke down at the sight of his blood stained shirt, how he had to hold her back when she saw Buck on the stretcher, how her tears and Buck’s blood had stained his shirt, how the stain didn’t only stay on it, it was also tattooed in his heart, like a red light, a reminder of how destructive his ego had been.

He was there when they informed them that they almost lost him, when they told them that because of the swelling they had to put Buck in a medically induced coma to enhance his chance at recovering, Maddie was shaking in his arms, trying to stay strong, nodding at everything the doctors said, asking all the question Eddie was afraid to inquire.

He remember how his legs felt heavy after they were granted a minute to see Buck, how he seemed so small, so fragile, so pale, a ghost of his former self, the vision of his best friend/ soulmate wired to all those machines made him sick, made him want to turn over and run away, still he forced himself to stay, reminded himself that Buck and Maddie needed him, he couldn’t fail them, he wouldn’t fail them again.

* * *

He didn’t understand why he wasn’t relieved that the bastard had been found, he didn’t know why he felt a multitude of knots form in his stomach, he had a bad feeling about it, about the guy, it was as if they just started to dig something that was bigger than them, something he wasn’t ready to discover just yet.

 **-Does Evan know** , he’d demanded his hand clenching the phone tightly, knuckles turning white with worry and dread.

- **No, not yet,** Maddie breathed, **I don’t think he’s ready to know that yet…**

The call lasted five more minutes before Maddie hang up, her words still echoing, she told him that she didn’t want Buck to know about the bastard in fear of it triggering his memories and makes him go into shock, she was afraid that the sequels would be irreversible this time, he’d swore not to tell for more selfish reasons.

He’d naively believed the balance was saved, restored, that he didn’t need to worry about it anymore, nothing worse could happen…

* * *

It was Sunday when Eddie was hit with the realization that thing could always get worse and not in the way you imagined.

He was on his way to the hospital Chris buckled in his seat and chatting animatedly with him, telling him that he would help take care of his Buck, Eddie hadn’t had the heart to tell him about Buck’s partial amnesia, he was wary about how the day and following weeks would turn out after Chris would found out, he’d twisted the truth a little, trying to shield him, trying to prevent him from being hurt.

* * *

Maddie was waiting for them a small and tired smile plastered on her face, she kneeled to Chris level hugging him tightly, she then turned to Eddie quietly filling him on what the doctors and therapist told her, she gave him a copy of Buck’s prescription and also proposed to stay with Chris so that Eddie could get Buck without worry, but the little boy insisted to go with his dad telling her that he wanted to help his Buck, she glanced at Eddie who discretely shook his head no.

- **I didn’t want to overwhelm him** , he murmured.

 **-I understand,** she smiled patting his shoulder, **I have to go Chim and the moving team are waiting for me,** she frowned, **you call me okay.**

- **Go we’ll be fine,** he smiled reassuringly, **I’ll call you when we’re all settled home,** he promised.

* * *

When they entered Buck’s room they found him awaiting near the window, bags on his bed, he turned himself over and rolled to meet Eddie, he smiled at him a faint blush on his cheeks.

- **Let me grab the bags and then we can go,** Eddie indicated, **just…Chris can you take this bag,** he called behind him.

The little boy nodded eagerly getting from behind his father and tending his hand to grab the small bag that was tended to him.

- **Chris** , they heard Buck chuckle happily, making both the Diaz boys turn over, **hey buddy,** he pursued ignoring how the atmosphere tensed in the room, **I missed you so damn much** , he smiled opening his arm to hug his little friend who ran into his embrace.

Eddie stood frozen in place, he couldn’t talk, couldn’t move, couldn’t breath, realization hitting him like a truck, Buck remembered Chris, Buck remembered everyone except him…


End file.
